On mental health and the importance of community

Forewarning:

There are parts of this blog where I discuss mental health struggles. I want to be sensitive to those who have gone through or are going through some of those same struggles so please be cautious. 

TW // Anxiety, Suicide

Introduction

Hi, I’m Dmitri. Many of you probably don’t know me, or know of me. If you do know of me, you’re likely a participant (or reader) in #kandji, #okta, #okta-workflows, or in a previous life #fleetsmith (Rest in Peace). When I first joined MacAdmins, one of my aspirations was to make a name for myself in the community. I thought it would be good for my career to build a personal brand and be known. In some ways I was right, but along the way I realized it was much more important to help others the way I have been helped. Rather than just focusing on doing things to build my personal brand, I shifted to trying to be a resource and contributor to assist others. In my own little niche corner of those 4 channels, I think I’ve accomplished that so far. 

With the downturn of the economy & the reduction-in-force that so many of our community members are going through recently, it has made me reflect on my journey through MacAdmins and my experience losing my role during Apple’s acquisition of Fleetsmith. I wanted to speak up and let people know it is ok to be vulnerable, to ask for help, and to lean on the community in more ways than one.

I can’t say I’m sure what I want you to have taken away when you’ve finished reading all these words I’ve written here. Maybe I hope someone will read this and it will give them a little hope that even after a layoff, things can work out. Maybe it's “sage” wisdom (from someone decidedly not very sage) for anyone who’s journey is just starting like mine was almost 5 years ago. Maybe it’s just a cathartic experience for me to write it all down. Let’s dive in.

The Overwhelming Feeling of Newness

I’m going to take the liberty of starting this in a strange place. I’m not going to give any context on how I found MacAdmins, what led me to join, or any of that. I’m just going to start with when I joined.

When I first joined MacAdmins I was immediately overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of information, personalities, and possibilities laid out before me. Of course we’ve all run into the age old joke of #TooManyChannels and it was real. I was bewildered and lost, but I had problems to solve so I did as I always do and I dove into the fire willingly. I split channels into three categories: Need for Work, Interest Me for Work, Interest Me Personally. That helped form the basis of the channels I would join and I dove in. Reading as much as I could to find solutions to the problems I was facing at work. 

Big Personalities

One of the phrases you always hear is “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know”. As much as I hate to admit it, the phrase is partially true. Think about it, if you’ve spent a decent amount of time in MacAdmins you probably know names like Tom Bridge, Charles Edge, Rich Trouton, Groob (or Victor), Greg Neagle, Frogor (or Mike, who I once gave an item to in Animal Crossing: New Horizons!) and so many others. You probably wouldn’t hesitate to hire any of them if they applied to a job you were hiring for. Not only are they all extremely technically capable, but they have made a name for themselves through helping others and sharing their knowledge.

After just a short time in MacAdmins, I knew I wanted to be like them. I wanted to make a name for myself through my technical knowledge, but more importantly through helping others.

However, one of the things I noted above was “sheer magnitude of personalities” and that was my first stumbling block. How do I make a place for myself in such a crowded environment where there are already industry-defining giants like the people I named above interacting everyday. Who am I to answer a question when I know someone more knowledgeable may answer it anyways. 

Building Confidence

That all changed when I joined Fleetsmith though. They had done a phenomenal job building a community channel before I got there, and I was given the honor of taking it over and being Fleetsmith’s “main representative” in the channel. People asked, I answered. I was given a place to speak-up and I flourished. 

So I started to speak up more. Even outside the Fleetsmith channel. I had great knowledge and experience with MDM, ABM, and other subject areas.

The more I interacted the more I realized how welcoming this community can be. Sometimes I would be confidently incorrect in an answer and no one got mad in those instances, someone would simply correct me and often help point out why I may have thought my answer was correct. 

Humpty Dumpty Falls Off the Wall

This part gets tricky. Given the nature of acquisitions there isn’t a lot I can say, so I’ll try to focus on what happened after. I’m also going to be very vulnerable. This is the portion where I briefly mention some of my mental health struggles so please skip to the next heading if you need. 

As many of you know, Fleetsmith got acquired by Apple. As many of you don’t know, for very valid reasons not related to performance, I was not offered a role with Apple during the acquisition. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I was in the prime of my adult life, had found a job I absolutely loved, working with people who to this day I consider some of my best friends. 

Not many years prior to Fleetsmith I had severe mental health difficulties which culminated in an attempted suicide on my part. My time at Fleetsmith was a catalyst that helped me overcome depression and reminded me what it was like to be genuinely happy for the first time since high school. To lose that environment was a fear I wasn’t ready to face when it happened. 

For weeks during & after the acquisition it was all I could do to not lay in bed crying every day, I felt like I had lost who I was. Then something I never expected happened, the MacAdmins community threw me a lifeline I couldn’t have fathomed. Former customers from Fleetsmith started to reach out to me. Through the grapevine or in discussions with me they found out I had not joined Apple and while many simply let me know how much they had enjoyed my assistance as part of the Customer Support team at Fleetsmith, a few of them asked if I was looking for a new job and if I’d be interested in interviewing with them. I had every opportunity to fall back into a dark place, but hearing from these people made me realize there was a way forward. A way I never would have had presented to me without “being comfortable and taking a risk” by jumping into conversations in the community with people infinitely smarter than I.

Taking Small Steps

The more I talked with these former customers, the more I found out I had already started to accomplish my goal of making a name for myself. Here I was still thinking that while I was answering questions in a few select places, I wasn’t a name people would know. 

These conversations with former customers helped me realize that while I was very lucky and privileged to be handed a place to speak up in the community, it was very possible to do without being handed that space. It’s important to realize you can’t know everything, everywhere, all at once. I had carved out a niche for myself and built a reputation without even being aware of what I was doing.

Just because there are others who are more knowledgeable than you about a particular topic or question, does not invalidate your experience or knowledge. In fact, it’s beneficial to the whole community for you to speak up and answer if you see a question you’re comfortable answering. The pressure shouldn’t be on the same set of people to always answer (though they’ll always be welcome to). 

Small answers here and there turned into lively debates, long conversations about a topic, discussion around the best way to overcome an obstacle someone is facing. Not only were these interactions helping the people who originally posted the questions, but they were helping me as well. Sometimes I’d see a question and want to go test it, or find an answer for myself. It led to exploration of new tools and paths. 

It was in these conversations that I grew comfortable and confident. I found the person I wanted to be and was able to start helping others. I was able to take this confidence and turn it into a journey of technical growth over the past few years since the acquisition as well. More on that below.

How I’m Approaching the Future

So, it turns out that I have started building a name for myself. In some specific channels, I’m well known. In others, I’m as anonymous as a mouse. I’ve realized the importance of sharing knowledge though and continued to expand my channel repertoire for where I’m answering questions (See you soon #golang). More importantly, I’ve realized the importance of community and building connections with the humans around you, whether physically or online.

I’ve also had some really great moments. At Oktane’22 in November, I was wearing my bright yellow MacAdmins sweatshirt and someone came up to me: “Hey, you’re Dmitri right?”. He sat down and we had a conversation about how some of the discussions I’ve taken part in & answers I’ve given have been helpful for him over the past few years since he joined MacAdmins, despite him and I never having directly interacted.

I told everyone I knew who was important to me about how meaningful that conversation was and how heartwarming it was to hear that I had helped someone. Even just one person. It made me realize I wanted to double down and find more ways to be a part of the community.

That led me to where I am now: writing my first presentation for a tech conference. Later this year I’ll be presenting at MacAdmins Conference at Penn State about my journey with a focus on technical growth rather than mental health. I’m hoping it will help at least one person, like my involvement in the community has so far. In that talk I’ll give more context about what led me to MacAdmins & go a bit deeper into how the community helped shape my technical growth after the first few years. 

I also want to do a post afterwards about the process of coming up with a topic and working up the courage to present for the first time. So y’all have to hold me accountable to that.

Conclusion

After typing all this up, I think I’ve finally realized the purpose of this jumble of words: I want you to not be afraid to interact in the community. Not only will it be beneficial for the community, but it will help you too. Overall, I like to think we’re a pretty welcoming bunch. Even looking up at the industry-giants who have come before me, I see their smiles as they fondly interact with the community and have lively conversations, and it isn’t quite so daunting anymore.

Without MacAdmins, I never would have found Fleetsmith, which led to getting my first dog. Fleetsmith led to finding my next role where I was able to become a first time homeowner in 2021, and get a second dog. I’ve met some incredible people I consider friends. I can honestly say this community has been an integral part of my life over the past 5 years since I joined and I wouldn’t be anywhere close to where or who I am without

MacAdmins can only continue to grow and thrive if everyone plays their part though. Sometimes it can be frightening, often it can be overwhelming. However, whether you see it or not, simply answering questions or taking part in discussions, even asking questions, has a far reaching effect that may help many people, including yourself.

I want to give a special shout out to the two people I consider my dearest friends from this community:

Lady Bri of the River People (colloquially known as Sabrina Coy, founder of MacAdmins) whose phrasing gave me the title for this blog post and helped me realize it wasn’t about Building a Personal Brand, but the Importance of Community. @Buckets on Slack.

Jacob Waters: if you’ve spent any time in #okta-workflows you know Jacob. He’s an absolute whiz and an incredibly fun person to pair with on hilariously dumb ideas (feel free to DM me and ask about the Slackbots who talk to each other in a private DM that no one will ever see). He helped me reframe this post in my mind to focus on how to be vulnerable instead of just focusing on some marketing mumbo jumbo. @JacobW on Slack.